umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
