I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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