The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
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