i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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