What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
