totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
