Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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