checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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