You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I want to have your abortion
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The air was thick with penises
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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