I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
