I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
