My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
