i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
