so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
