If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
