Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
