my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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