margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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