I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
