I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
