textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
