he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He felt like a one man threesome
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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