Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
