I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
