Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
