I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
