I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
