So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize