Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
