It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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