The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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