girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
