when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize