im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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