i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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