I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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