When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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