i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
