Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
