i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
