If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
