I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
