He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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