Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
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Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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