community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
