thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
why do cheetos always look like penises
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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