i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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