I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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