i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
