Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
