I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
