i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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