How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
