I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
