You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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